Everyday I change. Everyday I learn something new. Today I learned that I am extremely impatient with myself. These lyrics come to mind...
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Oh, Radiohead how you describe me sometimes. While I love myself, I am often too hard on myself. I look in the mirror everyday and smile but that doesn't stop me from noticing imperfections, things I want to change. I know I'll get the body I want by staying on paleo and doing CrossFit. I just have to be patient. But then I think of all the other things I've been patient for that I haven't gotten. Love comes first to mind. Years and years of singlehood. Years and years of patience...I grow frustrated. I lose faith sometimes. But I can't give up and settle. I have to stay true to myself. I will never settle for less than I deserve. I will push myself to be better. I will wait for better.
I am aware of my strengths as I am aware of my weaknesses. I will keep my chin up. I will continue to smile even if I feel down about something. I will continue to treat others with kindness. I will endure.
Next tattoo- ENDURE.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Rant
I have a shoulder injury. I admit it. I'm injured. It sucks. And I'm truly frustrated by it. I made an appointment to get it check out - Wednesday morning. In the meantime I'm in pain, I'm grumpy, and I'm tired of guys picking on me because of my injury. I wish somebody could show me a little sensitivity - but no "Natty's a beast" and beasts don't have feelings apparently. WTF. Didn't anyone ever watch "Beauty and the Beast" as a kid? The beast is so sensitive!
Every morning I have to remind myself that I'm on my own. I take care of myself. And at the end of the day, I'm on my own, taking care of myself. And that is my inner strength. Being able to stand up on my own.
Today I had to do snatches with a 15lb training bar. I wanted so badly to use the regular bar, to put some weights on, to be like everybody else. I felt out of place, weak, and just plain miserable today at CrossFit. I always smile at CrossFit. Not today. I just did not want to be there. I only want to be there when I can give it 100% and today I just physically could not. Which in turn, destroyed me mentally. Then I went home and had another paleo meal...God, I'm hating paleo right now.
So what do I do? Pray that tomorrow's workout is all legs? Drug myself with Ibuprofen? Grumble to the wall?
CrossFit is not who I am, but rather what I love to do. If CrossFit were suddenly snatched from my life, what would I have left? I'd have my friends, my family, my writing, my dancing, my scrapbooking...there's a lot I love to do. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have all these wonderful interests and talents. I'm still able to dance. I'm still able to sing and play guitar. And I'll always be able to make a rocking plate of cookies. Think positive, kiddo.
So Wednesday morning, worse case scenario is I can't use my right shoulder for a few weeks until it heals completely. That's what I've been trying to do the last few days...but I'm still having pain. I'm aching for a massage. I feel like I have a giant knot wedged in my shoulder that needs to be released. I know there's nothing majorly wrong with it -- I wouldn't be able to still move it otherwise.
My knee also hurts, probably from landing like a ballerina during my snatches. Thank God it was only 15lbs. IcyHot and Ibuprofen are gonna get me to sleep tonight.
I hope I heal soon. I hope. I hope. I hope.
Every morning I have to remind myself that I'm on my own. I take care of myself. And at the end of the day, I'm on my own, taking care of myself. And that is my inner strength. Being able to stand up on my own.
Today I had to do snatches with a 15lb training bar. I wanted so badly to use the regular bar, to put some weights on, to be like everybody else. I felt out of place, weak, and just plain miserable today at CrossFit. I always smile at CrossFit. Not today. I just did not want to be there. I only want to be there when I can give it 100% and today I just physically could not. Which in turn, destroyed me mentally. Then I went home and had another paleo meal...God, I'm hating paleo right now.
So what do I do? Pray that tomorrow's workout is all legs? Drug myself with Ibuprofen? Grumble to the wall?
CrossFit is not who I am, but rather what I love to do. If CrossFit were suddenly snatched from my life, what would I have left? I'd have my friends, my family, my writing, my dancing, my scrapbooking...there's a lot I love to do. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have all these wonderful interests and talents. I'm still able to dance. I'm still able to sing and play guitar. And I'll always be able to make a rocking plate of cookies. Think positive, kiddo.
So Wednesday morning, worse case scenario is I can't use my right shoulder for a few weeks until it heals completely. That's what I've been trying to do the last few days...but I'm still having pain. I'm aching for a massage. I feel like I have a giant knot wedged in my shoulder that needs to be released. I know there's nothing majorly wrong with it -- I wouldn't be able to still move it otherwise.
My knee also hurts, probably from landing like a ballerina during my snatches. Thank God it was only 15lbs. IcyHot and Ibuprofen are gonna get me to sleep tonight.
I hope I heal soon. I hope. I hope. I hope.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Random thoughts
I went 2 weeks of strict paleo. I didn't cheat once. I cheated yesterday when I was making cookies - I ate two. Does that mean that I failed my diet? Nope. Just means that I'm human. If I am going to do paleo, I can't expect myself to go through the entire holiday season without a single cup of egg nog or a slice of one of my aunt's delicious pumpkin rolls. That would be torture. Instead, I will allow myself those treats when appropriate and in small amounts.Yesterday, I only had two cookies. Big deal. If anything, having those two cookies settled my cravings and I'm ready to go another week of paleo. I can also views these treats as rewards.
Alcohol is another story. I haven't had a single drop in 3 weeks. I'm determined to go until New Year's Eve, but I'm hosting a holiday party in less than 2 hours and damn oh damn would I like a shot of rum to settle my hostess-nerves.
I recorded myself dancing yesterday. I think my body looks pretty darn good. I'm curious as to what body fat % I'm in. The only fat I carry is just around my tummy. Maybe I should start doing my workouts in just my sports bra. I sweat so much.
I really would like to go on a date. A real date.
Raw turkey is gross.
I hope my shoulder heals SOON.
I'm 26 years old.
Random.
Alcohol is another story. I haven't had a single drop in 3 weeks. I'm determined to go until New Year's Eve, but I'm hosting a holiday party in less than 2 hours and damn oh damn would I like a shot of rum to settle my hostess-nerves.
I recorded myself dancing yesterday. I think my body looks pretty darn good. I'm curious as to what body fat % I'm in. The only fat I carry is just around my tummy. Maybe I should start doing my workouts in just my sports bra. I sweat so much.
I really would like to go on a date. A real date.
Raw turkey is gross.
I hope my shoulder heals SOON.
I'm 26 years old.
Random.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Food Journal Entry
One of my clients that I train wanted to know what I ate in a typical day. She was surprised that I could eat SO much and still be in a normal calorie range. That's the beauty of eating clean. Of course, she was thinking she could never eat like me and I told her she didn't have to. 100% paleo is tough. And you have to cook a lot. I told her she might benefit by going 60-70% paleo. "Does that mean I could still have ice-cream?" Of course you can! Just eat the serving size.
Breakfast:
1 cup egg whites
3 eggs
1 apple
1 cup almond milk
Morning Snack:
Cup of baby carrots
Banana
Lunch:
Spinach salad with can of tuna fish, 1/2 cup cashews, salsa, and cucumbers
Afternoon Snack(s):
1 apple
Cup of baby carrots
6 ounces of chicken
1/2 cup of peanuts
Dinner:
Spinach salad with can of tuna fish, salsa, and tomatoes
All adds up to about 2000 calories...but for a girl my size I probably need to be eating more. I'm getting bored with tuna and chicken. I'm thinking next week I'll try pork chops, salmon, or turkey. Wait, isn't next week Thanksgiving? Turkey is def paleo!
My goal is to go at least a whole month 100% paleo. I'm almost half way there. I've def lost weight. I don't know how much because I don't have a bathroom scale, but my clothes are loose and my friends are noticing a change. I don't want to lose too much weight because I love my muscles too much. What I'm hoping for is to lose 10-15 pounds of fat, so I'm left with a lean-mean-fighting machine of a body.
Once I reach my goal, I'll do 100% paleo 6 days a week, and 1 day go 70% paleo meaning I can have 1 cheat meal a week. I think that's deservable, don't ya think?
Breakfast:
1 cup egg whites
3 eggs
1 apple
1 cup almond milk
Morning Snack:
Cup of baby carrots
Banana
Lunch:
Spinach salad with can of tuna fish, 1/2 cup cashews, salsa, and cucumbers
Afternoon Snack(s):
1 apple
Cup of baby carrots
6 ounces of chicken
1/2 cup of peanuts
Dinner:
Spinach salad with can of tuna fish, salsa, and tomatoes
All adds up to about 2000 calories...but for a girl my size I probably need to be eating more. I'm getting bored with tuna and chicken. I'm thinking next week I'll try pork chops, salmon, or turkey. Wait, isn't next week Thanksgiving? Turkey is def paleo!
My goal is to go at least a whole month 100% paleo. I'm almost half way there. I've def lost weight. I don't know how much because I don't have a bathroom scale, but my clothes are loose and my friends are noticing a change. I don't want to lose too much weight because I love my muscles too much. What I'm hoping for is to lose 10-15 pounds of fat, so I'm left with a lean-mean-fighting machine of a body.
Once I reach my goal, I'll do 100% paleo 6 days a week, and 1 day go 70% paleo meaning I can have 1 cheat meal a week. I think that's deservable, don't ya think?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Pain
Pain sucks. For me, pain really sucks when it affects my performance or in today's case, keep me from doing the workout. I felt defeated today. I felt like I'd given up. But it's not like I had much of a choice. It was either do the workout with a throbbing shoulder and risk further throbbing OR sit down and stretch. I chose to sit down and stretch. Very rarely will I make that choice. And when I do make that choice, I hate it. Oh how I go from happy smiley Natty to pissed off Natalie-wanna-break-a-lamp.
And so I grumble grumble grumble...put on the ice pack...tell myself it'll get better and I'll get better and everyone has a bad day at Crossfit and today was my bad day...I'm human. I have weaknesses...chin up, girl. Chin up.
When I'm weak, I think about when I'm strong. Like when I powerlift. Now there's a place I always feel comfortable, always feel powerful, always do what I gotta do. Deadlifts and squats are my haven. I thank 20+ years of dancing for all the leg strength. If CrossFit were simply powerlifting, I'd be on top always. But that's the beauty of CrossFit, it's not just powerlifting. It doesn't want you to only do what you're good at. It wants you to do what you're not good at. It challenges you. It makes you wanna work harder.
I love my legs and alot of other people do too (hehe smiley wink wink) but dancing has given me an upper body while strong, inefficient in certain movements. A graceful, lead with the fingers, "I'm a freaking butterfly" way of moving. If I'm ever going to be able to press/jerk a heavy load without continually hurting myself I have to rid myself of that movement pattern. I have to be aggresive. I have to engage muscles I normally would keep very relaxed in a ballet class. I have to train hard.
But most of all, I have to be PATIENT with myself. My 300+ deadlift didn't come over night. It took months and months. My first real pull-up took over a year. My first muscle up will probably take...well let's not think too far ahead...2045 is like awhile away.
Bottom line, I'm not going to get good at the things I'm not good at by feeling bad about it. I'm going to get good at them by being patient, by listening to my coaches, by taking an extra rest day if needed, by stepping back and sitting down and skipping the workout if I'm in pain, and by being honest with myself. I know who I am. I know I'm strong. I know I have the dedication. Now, it's just a matter of time.
In other news, I'm on day 11 of paleo and already a student has asked me if I've lost weight. So that's something good I can be proud of. I'm not sure how I feel mentally about Paleo. Physically, I feel great, but I'm feeling like I'm missing out on something. No alcohol. Hmm, maybe that's it. Does paleo rum exist?
And so I grumble grumble grumble...put on the ice pack...tell myself it'll get better and I'll get better and everyone has a bad day at Crossfit and today was my bad day...I'm human. I have weaknesses...chin up, girl. Chin up.
When I'm weak, I think about when I'm strong. Like when I powerlift. Now there's a place I always feel comfortable, always feel powerful, always do what I gotta do. Deadlifts and squats are my haven. I thank 20+ years of dancing for all the leg strength. If CrossFit were simply powerlifting, I'd be on top always. But that's the beauty of CrossFit, it's not just powerlifting. It doesn't want you to only do what you're good at. It wants you to do what you're not good at. It challenges you. It makes you wanna work harder.
I love my legs and alot of other people do too (hehe smiley wink wink) but dancing has given me an upper body while strong, inefficient in certain movements. A graceful, lead with the fingers, "I'm a freaking butterfly" way of moving. If I'm ever going to be able to press/jerk a heavy load without continually hurting myself I have to rid myself of that movement pattern. I have to be aggresive. I have to engage muscles I normally would keep very relaxed in a ballet class. I have to train hard.
But most of all, I have to be PATIENT with myself. My 300+ deadlift didn't come over night. It took months and months. My first real pull-up took over a year. My first muscle up will probably take...well let's not think too far ahead...2045 is like awhile away.
Bottom line, I'm not going to get good at the things I'm not good at by feeling bad about it. I'm going to get good at them by being patient, by listening to my coaches, by taking an extra rest day if needed, by stepping back and sitting down and skipping the workout if I'm in pain, and by being honest with myself. I know who I am. I know I'm strong. I know I have the dedication. Now, it's just a matter of time.
In other news, I'm on day 11 of paleo and already a student has asked me if I've lost weight. So that's something good I can be proud of. I'm not sure how I feel mentally about Paleo. Physically, I feel great, but I'm feeling like I'm missing out on something. No alcohol. Hmm, maybe that's it. Does paleo rum exist?
Monday, November 12, 2012
Why do I do CrossFit?
Usually I get "what is CrossFit?" which can be answered in one sentence: Constantly varied, functional movements executed at high intensities. "Why do I do CrossFit?" takes more than a sentence. In fact, it would probably take an entire blog for me to fully explain why I do CrossFit. And it just so happens that I just decided to start a blog about me and my love of CrossFit.
CrossFit is dependable, suprising, fun, challenging...wow, aren't those qualities we all want in our ideal love? CrossFit is dependable. I can count on it 6 days a week (7th day is for rest-which I spend watching CrossFit videos) Even if I'm sore or injured, there's ways to motify the WOD so I can do it. And if I really really am injured, I always enjoy watching people do CrossFit workouts. CrossFit is surprising. You never know what the workout is going to be up until you wake up. And trust me, before I even get up to pee, I'm on my phone checking the WOD. Finding out I get to deadlift makes my morning grumpiness go away in a heartbeat. CrossFit is fun. Man, oh man do I smile so much when I'm at CrossFit. Before workouts, during workouts, after workouts...it makes me so happy. CrossFit is challenging. It pushes me to the limit and exposes my weaknesses, which I have plenty of. CrossFit makes me want to be a better person, physically as well as mentally.
I wasn't always a happy camper. I wasn't always strong. I wasn't always able to get up in the morning and feel like I had any purpose. I felt like my smiles were fake, and they were fake. Not anymore. I'm a new person. A better person. I love myself and I love that CrossFit has given me the opportunity to love myself more and more everyday. Because not only do I get to do something I love, but the people I meet through CrossFit become like family. We all support each other. We all cheer for each other. No one is trying to put you down. No one is hoping that you lose. Everyone wants you to suceed.
On another note...I'm getting another tattoo soon :)
I pump iron, I pump life
Might be a girl but it’s my right
To be strong and live it up
Put down your weight son, I’ll pick it up
Try to squat me down with words?
I will mess you up
CrossFit is dependable, suprising, fun, challenging...wow, aren't those qualities we all want in our ideal love? CrossFit is dependable. I can count on it 6 days a week (7th day is for rest-which I spend watching CrossFit videos) Even if I'm sore or injured, there's ways to motify the WOD so I can do it. And if I really really am injured, I always enjoy watching people do CrossFit workouts. CrossFit is surprising. You never know what the workout is going to be up until you wake up. And trust me, before I even get up to pee, I'm on my phone checking the WOD. Finding out I get to deadlift makes my morning grumpiness go away in a heartbeat. CrossFit is fun. Man, oh man do I smile so much when I'm at CrossFit. Before workouts, during workouts, after workouts...it makes me so happy. CrossFit is challenging. It pushes me to the limit and exposes my weaknesses, which I have plenty of. CrossFit makes me want to be a better person, physically as well as mentally.
I wasn't always a happy camper. I wasn't always strong. I wasn't always able to get up in the morning and feel like I had any purpose. I felt like my smiles were fake, and they were fake. Not anymore. I'm a new person. A better person. I love myself and I love that CrossFit has given me the opportunity to love myself more and more everyday. Because not only do I get to do something I love, but the people I meet through CrossFit become like family. We all support each other. We all cheer for each other. No one is trying to put you down. No one is hoping that you lose. Everyone wants you to suceed.
On another note...I'm getting another tattoo soon :)
I pump iron, I pump life
Might be a girl but it’s my right
To be strong and live it up
Put down your weight son, I’ll pick it up
Try to squat me down with words?
I will mess you up
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